Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Ah, what to post. I'll post some artwork of course. Then I need a bit of an update. It has been hard since we lost our home. We helped mom after dad passed away going through things. But when we lost our home, mom put her foot down (three times to make me listen) and had us move in with her for the time being. We were able to help with taking care of things and being there to give a hand when necessary. My birth mother (long story) and my sister also were already living there, so it is a full house. My four kids are kids....thus noise and messes, so I kind of live in a perpetual cringe with the situation. Still we have helped my sister with her health, and moms as well. I had my work cut out for me to move my belongings, but first I had moved my sister in previous, then moved dads stuff somewhat. Mom needed family support going through that. Moving in though really made me feel bad like I was intruding on holy ground unworthily. I had to go through more of my dads stuff and make room for us. I'm pretty sure I made my other siblings uncomfortable. In fact, there was so much to work through and organize....that I put off income work to get it done. Otherwise it would drag on for countless years. As you can imagine, I had a few things requiring my work. And I like working...sometimes too hard and too long. Eventually I was called in by others and told I wasn't doing what was needed. I'm guessing that my "work from home" and "freelance illustration" career choice was insufficient and too unconventional to be accepted or even allowed. I tend to know what I need to do and have an idea of how to do it....but I also tend to be a bit too impressionable or lack self confidence. Sad I know. Being a creative type person makes it even harder. "Head in the clouds", or "unrealistic" is probably the general consensus.
ANYWAY....I burned out. "No Way?" Come on, I can hear you say it.... lol. Yes, I became overwhelmed and lost all confidence in pretty much everything. One of my two living grandfathers passed away during this time. My only grandfathers have been through my wife, my own grandfathers were long gone before I was born. So, even though it was only about 10 years or so, I felt I was close, and it was a sad time....especially for my wife. And our visit was too very short. We need to go back down and visit grandma when we get a chance. My fathers passing rose to the surface a little bit too from that. Living in his house, among his belongings...hasn't been easy. But I really want to make him proud, and take care of mom and his things as mom directs. After all he would want me to honor her. The crazy part is that I am the youngest of everyone. Yes, I have a slight inferiority complex matched with an issue with authority.
Well, enough whining and complaining (even if it is explanation right?). Everybody wants to see some artwork. I have some for you, so please enjoy. I've never been so challenged as an artist....mostly with "why" I am an artist at all, and whether or not to just give up the ridiculousness of being one. Talented or no, I don't understand what my purpose is being an artist anymore. I have no idea if it is valuable or not, nor if I would believe it if someone told me so. Maybe. Did I say I was going to stop whining? Heh.