A struggle for meaning beyond the dollar

     I just watched  movie titled "Kiki's Delivery Service" from Studio Ghibli. Disney has been releasing Studio Ghibli films in recent years, which are the genius and legacy of director Hayao Miyazaki, producer Isao Takahata, and the Studio itself.
     At a point in the movie, the main character becomes discouraged and begins to lose her abilities. About that time a friend drops by (who happens to be an artist) and invites her to her place to get away for a break. It is a rare moment where the two talk about discouragement and apparent failure, one where the dialogue digs very deep into real problems we all feel at one time or another. The answer is to give it time, to not give up, and to search for ones inspiration.
Finding purpose.
     I have always been a creative person. At times inventing, designing, or some times just meditating over life. In my younger years I was always supported by family and friends in my art, and I was very driven to learn and produce work. A lot of my work was a way to help me work through life's troubles. As I grew older I boldly marched towards a focused education and direction. I must admit however that I did not place a very high priority on money. Now that I am in my thirties and feel like I have missed the last 5 years of my life... to fast paced events and all that has been my experience...  my art has procured a monetary benefit, but very meager. A lot of "here and there" art jobs have come my way, as well as more than a bushel full of "dangling carrots" that disenchant the stoutest artists heart. I've faced some "artistic identity crisis" as well. Ones where as an illustrator, I was being pushed in a graphic design direction with little desire to be.
     Artists seem to be one of the most odd and essentially strange people when it comes to value, or at least I find it to be so. I care little for the value of money, and have rarely decided to create with money in mind. My inspiration and motivation has always been Imagination, Storytelling, and Design, (not to be mistaken with Graphic Design by the way). SO, it is quickly apparent that as a husband and father who is an artist I meet with a dilemma that is deeply painful.
     I have many colleagues, friends, fellow artists, who work in their field of artistic choice and make a living doing so. Some are cover illustrators, children's book illustrators, graphic designers, web designers, photographers, fine artists, sculptors, and teachers. Some work for companies, others like myself chose to start a freelance business of our own.
     I also have many friends who have followed other paths because art didn't cut it. Some are happy just to keep going, others are not only struggling financially, but also emotionally and spiritually. I say spiritually because to an artist, art is a spiritual thing. I find myself Vibrating between the two.
     I am desperately holding on to my art career and my masters degree. Some of that desperation is from seeds I planted long ago, some from more recent years as I gained more guts and confidence to make the difficult choices, and others are from the heart and spirit of family and friends. It is so easy for me to be swayed and influenced. I am fortunate to have loving friends and family. Although I wonder at their tenacity to be so when I am a certifiable cave troll most of the time!
     It is refreshing to watch a movie that addresses the reality of difficult times, stemming from both a financial and a spiritual source. Another thought akin to Kiki's Delivery Service's "moment" I described above is from the Dreamworks title "Kung Fu Panda" where the main character figures out that along the path of life towards ones destiny, that "...there is no secret ingredient. To make something special, you just have to believe it's special....It's just you."
     I want to add to this two more things. Personally, I believe life is in too big of a hurry! Panic and disaster management are too often the results. Next is life is far too busy and crowded. We title ourselves with ever higher levels of "overwhelmed" and hope for some kind of fulfilling result. Too much is trying to go down the pipes, and all far too fast. The result is like an unseen pressure cooker, or a hidden bottleneck people would try to force things through....in the end people do one of two things: either they completely EXPLODE, or completely DEFLATE.
     Now that I feel like I am rambling on more than really accomplishing something, and feeling really tired at the same time, I have two wishes. 1 is to simply continue plowing the field before me and finish my current commissions and fulfill what I have committed myself to. 2 is to simplify what I have in my life and to search out other solutions from other people. (Adding also to not to take offense any longer to past "suggestions" from people. I have in the recent past allowed suggestions from people turn into serious poisons to my soul. And I blame both of us for not seeing what was really going on.)
     Hope rests in Hard Work, Holding the course, and Finding Faith. Valuing Life is paramount, with the willingness to believe in ourselves. Positive planning and thinking. Time with loved ones, and letting them know how much you love them is also key. And now I am going to go and rest my tired eyes. Oh, and remember that my old site is up at: brushdragon.com/old-site/
Have a wonderful start of your year! Thank you.  
   

Old Site is back up with new address link

My new site is still unfinished. Life goes on and often without the progress we wish, our efforts diverted in many cases. Still, the news is that my old site is set up at brushdragon.com/old-site
I will have a link later on my new site, but for now, this is the majority of my old work. Nothing is newer than 2009 on the old site, and only a few are even from 2007 or 2008. It is mostly a body of work building up during the years of my Bachelors degree in BYUI/Ricks College as well as a small portion of work I did previous.  Anyway, if you have really missed going through my old work and really missed my old site, here it is in all its former glory. Two notes: the phone is no longer in service, and the address is 3 moves old. My email is the best way to contact me.
Thank you all for your years of support and hopefully 2012 will see me gaining the upper hand on all of the projects and plans I have made in past years as well as new acquisitions.

The Touch of the Masters Hand

     I have had some inspired reminders from friends about being an artist. To them goes my heartfelt thanks. You guys are great! This reminded me about an old post I read just after I wrote my last post.

The Touch of the Masters Hand

'Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while
To waste much time on the old violin,
But held it up with a smile: "What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,
"Who'll start the bidding for me?"
"A dollar, a dollar"; then, "Two!" "Only two?
Two dollars, and who'll make it three?
Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice;
Going for three—" But no,
From the room, far back, a gray-haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;
Then, wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening the loose strings,
He played a melody pure and sweet
As a caroling angel sings.
The music ceased, and the auctioneer,
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said, "What am I bid for the old violin?"
And he held it up with the bow.
"A thousand dollars, and who'll make it two?
Two thousand! And who'll make it three?
Three thousand, once, three thousand, twice,
And going, and gone!" said he.
The people cheered, but some of them cried,
"We do not quite understand
What changed its worth." Swift came the reply:
"The touch of a master's hand."
And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and scarred with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd,
Much like the old violin.
A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine,
A game—and he travels on.
He's "going" once, and "going" twice,
He's "going" and almost "gone."
But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd
Never can quite understand
The worth of a soul and the change that's wrought
By the touch of the Master's hand.

     The struggle I have had has made me feel pretty worthless to be sure. So this old post was another good source of inspiration. The scripture my friend gave of:
          "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
          (2 Timothy 1:7)
is also amazing. It reminds me of a quote often attributed to Nelson Mandela, but is actually from Marianne Williamson:
          "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
          beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves,
          Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You
          are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened
          about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine,
          as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just
          in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
          people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence
          automatically liberates others." (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course
          in Miracles", Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3)
which is another great quote about who we are and what we can do to better ourselves and those around us. 
     We, or I, see ourselves too often as the crowd does though. And the cruel and thoughtless crowd no less. I am grateful for fellow artists who understand the true measure of our souls, who also know of the test of life that is specific to an artist. One specific to artists in our time as well as to artists who have faith in Jesus Christ. Even when that faith is tried near to breaking. We all bear the challenge after we leave the cradle of our school years and go into the professional world.
     Well. I am grateful that I am remembered. I also am glad that I received real posts instead of spam! LOL. Hopefully I have managed to block most of the spam. Some crazy ideas out there. I am off to do some artwork and watch "The Empire Strikes Back". I will always be doing more than dabbling in art. Take care everyone. And thanks for the support Mike and Andrea!

Ah, what to post. I'll post some artwork of course. Then I need a bit of an update. It has been hard since we lost our home. We helped mom after dad passed away going through things. But when we lost our home, mom put her foot down (three times to make me listen) and had us move in with her for the time being. We were able to help with taking care of things and being there to give a hand when necessary. My birth mother (long story) and my sister also were already living there, so it is a full house. My four kids are kids....thus noise and messes, so I kind of live in a perpetual cringe with the situation. Still we have helped my sister with her health, and moms as well. I had my work cut out for me to move my belongings, but first I had moved my sister in previous, then moved dads stuff somewhat. Mom needed family support going through that. Moving in though really made me feel bad like I was intruding on holy ground unworthily. I had to go through more of my dads stuff and make room for us. I'm pretty sure I made my other siblings uncomfortable. In fact, there was so much to work through and organize....that I put off income work to get it done. Otherwise it would drag on for countless years. As you can imagine, I had a few things requiring my work. And I like working...sometimes too hard and too long. Eventually I was called in by others and told I wasn't doing what was needed. I'm guessing that my "work from home" and "freelance illustration" career choice was insufficient and too unconventional to be accepted or even allowed. I tend to know what I need to do and have an idea of how to do it....but I also tend to be a bit too impressionable or lack self confidence. Sad I know. Being a creative type person makes it even harder. "Head in the clouds", or "unrealistic" is probably the general consensus.
ANYWAY....I burned out. "No Way?" Come on, I can hear you say it.... lol. Yes, I became overwhelmed and lost all confidence in pretty much everything. One of my two living grandfathers passed away during this time. My only grandfathers have been through my wife, my own grandfathers were long gone before I was born. So, even though it was only about 10 years or so, I felt I was close, and it was a sad time....especially for my wife. And our visit was too very short. We need to go back down and visit grandma when we get a chance. My fathers passing rose to the surface a little bit too from that. Living in his house, among his belongings...hasn't been easy. But I really want to make him proud, and take care of mom and his things as mom directs. After all he would want me to honor her. The crazy part is that I am the youngest of everyone. Yes, I have a slight inferiority complex matched with an issue with authority.
Well, enough whining and complaining (even if it is explanation right?). Everybody wants to see some artwork. I have some for you, so please enjoy. I've never been so challenged as an artist....mostly with "why" I am an artist at all, and whether or not to just give up the ridiculousness of being one. Talented or no, I don't understand what my purpose is being an artist anymore. I have no idea if it is valuable or not, nor if I would believe it if someone told me so. Maybe. Did I say I was going to stop whining? Heh.

Photo treasures of my big sister.

 

 Love you sis. 

And yes, I still have that Disney handheld video viewer! :)

   It is possible that many who read my blog are wondering what happened to my brushdragon website. As it turns out, I have been working on a redesign for the last year in spurts. Between all of the "events" of late 2010 and this year 2011 so far, I have at least part of this transition accomplished.
   My original site was a class assignment back in 2006 I believe. Using Adobe GoLive, I was to create a simple site with 3 pages: Into, gallery, and contacts. Actually, I wanted the first and last. I think the gallery was all that was required. I had 20 thumbnails of my work. All rollover thumbnails that would bring up an image on the right of the page. Simple.
   The site we all miss (cough) was a simple mass duplication of the first one. I created 5 gallery pages with at least 25 thumbnails a piece. Figures, Traditional, Digital, Sketchbook, and BFA (which stands for Bachelors of Fine Art that was my graduating bachelors degree project at BYU-I). I had a splash page which by now most people find a waste of time. I had a contact page, which was constantly out of date due to my multiple moving experiences, and therefore often outdated phone numbers. The main page was pretty straightforward. The directory I called it. It showed my five galleries in rollover vertical images that could be clicked to take you there. It displayed simple and basic navigation across the top which duplicated the navigation the images had....but also existed across all of the pages for consistent and universal navigation from any page. In total it had 8 links. Home. Figures. Traditional. Digital. Sketchbook. BFA. Contact. And the one many of you here miss perhaps......"My Blog".
   In fact I have heard that it was the way some of you navigated to my blog. So often was this the case, that getting here is a mystery without the old site links. What to do? I mean technically, this means I am talking to myself until I can get a link to you that you know right? lol. Art by Shaun Williams is a fairly long address to type out. And I do actually have a brushdragon blog too. SO....I think I will possibly discontinue this blog in favor of my brushdragon blog. I'll make them look alike, don't worry. I'll have a link in the brushdragon blog to this one for referencing old work. I might even try to migrate all the work to this blog.

   This is where my new site comes into play. You see, I had in mind a site that would have its own blog attached and integrated closely within itself. What you see now is a "rethinking" of my original approach. The new site has no links whatsoever to my other work. This means I super simplified....and it means it isn't done yet either. The site now has 8 images. I know, from 150 images to 8. How could I? I'm disappointed too. Don't be fooled. Here is why though: Digital devices and purchasing. Yes, I wanted a way to implement the purchasing of my work. This with an added goodie...that you could simply download a wallpaper version of my work for you computer. Sizes are from 1024x768 pixels, to 1920x1200 pixels. Basically the site knows what size screen you have by the browser window size. So maximize your screen to get the best choice for your monitor. There is a little download button with an arrow pointing down. Simple. Too simple? Next is the cart. purchase the image. They will be available in 3 sizes. 12x16, 16x20, and 18x24 with respective changes in cost. And you'll notice we are utilizing PayPal. What else?
   8 images was a lot of work to get through too. The old site has many great pieces. However, I didn't give them the high quality check that these have. Also, 8 images was just the right size to address the space on the screen. What? They look huge on your monitor? lol, don't forget there are a lot of people surfing the web on digital devices nowadays. Think of smart phones, and tablets. The design works fairly well on them. Try it on them and you'll see what I mean. My old site really struggled on devices like those. In fact I had to change a major functionality at one point when I realized that none of the apple devices could work with the rollover thumbnails. I had to go back in and allow a double click functionality to my thumbnails. That way an image would show up on its own page for viewing. And I forgot to make the background black. I just didn't' look as good. But functionality demanded it.

   But Shaun, I liked the old site. I was familiar with it and it had all of the links and images I want to see today, where can I get to them?......you might be saying these things. In fact I have said them. And when changes are made in the digital world....taking too much time can kill you. My original decision to change my site was based on a few facts.
_FIRST, it was bulky and it took way too long to download everything. I was a beginner and had no idea the toll file size would take. Most of my site was high resolution .png files. I like transparency effects is what it boiled down to. And I didnt' know how to handle it in .jpg or .gif form. The site needed a desperate overhaul just so people could get to it faster. Internet speeds have increased for sure, but every second counts. Life is too busy, and the web is too vast to waste that much time waiting for images to load.
_SECOND, it was dark. The look was black to frame the work and give focus to the images. I had backgrounds sure, but they were very very dark(and I know, they didn't distract). Dark to me was becoming depressing and dismal. Brushdragon was a difficult name anyway. Dragon is a word associated almost always with evil or darkness. Hopefully those of you who know me and have seen my work, would see that I don't have a focus on being evil. Eastern culture has a better association with dragons.....often as symbols of power and wisdom. They have good and evil dragons and are not immediately associated with the Devil himself. So you can image how crazy it is to feel like I am fighting an entire culture and mindset. Bottom line - it is not my style anymore. It is too dark and cold. And I want it to be much much more warm and inviting.
_THIRD, it didn't have enough connectivity for people. When I built it, Facebook and Twitter weren't much compared to what they are now.  I didn't have any bio page describing who I was, or even any purchasing integration. All I had was my name, phone number, and email (which isn't enough on top of my phone number being inconsistent).
_FOURTH, I wanted to focus more on my images and not a fancy site design. Sure there needs to be navigation, but why were the images so tiny? Fear of theft is a big issue for artists. There was a HUGE!!! fiasco on DeviantArt a while back from some website downloading and selling artists works without any permissions. Needless to say, the site is down, but the damage is done. We artists are working hard. Now just imagine when the digital world makes money off of us and doesn't even so much as say thanks. Fortunately many professional artists have BIG publishers behind them.....adn when they find out, they act! Me, in contrast, I'm a nobody. Except to you who know me and love my work. To which I say "Thank You" from the bottom of my heart to the top. Again, the site design direction was to focus more around the images, not the "other stuff" that too often gets in teh way. Navigation should be intuitive, but the images should still be front and center. Like a real gallery. I mean, you don't go see a traditional piece of artwork and have objects and text and garbage in front of it do you? No, usually, there is a large uncluttered space, good lighting, quiet (unless a busload of kids just showed up), and a few descriptions to the side or a gallery attendant. Most good sites I have seen, especially photography sites, utilize the "black-room" effect where the image is front and center, and the rest of the screen goes dark, pushing back the clutter and information. some sites have info tabs that rise up on a mouse-over to show you what you want without clutter. And those work very nicely, except the images are still subordinate to the size of the screen. I blame this decision again on fear of theft and wanting the "connectivity and clutter" to have more focus. Smaller images are very capable. I'm not saying other sites are doing it wrong. They like their sites they way they are. Its not a problem. And though they are smaller resolution and lower quality ( ie, printing would show it is not good enough quality for stealing it) they in no way suffer in the digital space visually. There are SO MANY artists accross the globe!!! And the internet has connected them. Sometimes beautifully, other times horribly. Artists are dreamers and oddballs at times.  It is nice to have a community out there to support you.

  THAT is THAT as the saying goes! I'm not done yet. Maybe the current site will become solely the mobile site. I have other designs. I'll post a few of the designs I've thought of and discarded. Remember, I'm not a programmer or coder, so in many cases I have had to bow out as an artist and designer to what code and programming can allow functionally.
    In fact, in the last two years, web design and graphic design have offered money in a sort of hostile takeover of my artistic self that my traditional skills have not been able to duplicate. Are my dreams squashed? Somewhat. Did I have an identity crisis? Yes. Am I still doing traditional work? Absolutely! Buy a print and I'll do more if you know what I mean. I have 20 unfinished pieces at least! And I have new ideas daily. I'm methodical and a perfectionist. It takes time to do the art that I do. I feel displaced in a super fast paced world honestly. Because in the world today, the longer it takes to make art, the more it has to cost to pay for my survival. And I really don't' want to go back to graveyard shift at Walmart. I felt like zombie food. No sleep and no time to do art makes Shaun pretty worthless. I seriously considered throwing my art career in the garbage! It was in the way of survival, and my family's happiness and success. But everyone figures that a Shaun without art is a ticking time bomb......a miserable bump on a log. So, I do art, focus on working really hard and not really getting paid much. (disclaimer to those with ideas on this subject...if you mention a big city relocation, I will hunt you down....that is unless you have a "real" idea with serious interest and funding, OR you are recruiting me to work on the Hobbit-which I don't foresee since it is mostly done already anyway :( ...sigh)

   This may count as the longest blog entry by me. For those of you who just want to see pictures....my apologies. They are there, just scroll down. Wait, you're already here! lol. I have a lot more to say, but I'll bottle it for now. It's mostly stress and really depressing stuff anyway. Who wants to listen to a depressed artist, bleh? Just stay with my website for a bit longer. Thank you for your support over the years, and take care.

24th of July parade mural

My thanks to the Parker 1st ward and a special thanks to the Frisby family for inviting me to do this mural. It was a good thing for me. It turned out awesome as you can see. Enjoy everyone!