It is here appropriate that I explain the past month. I had most of my life in order, classes for school had begun and I was on top of the assignments. My wife was back in school as well, and our youngest daughter was old enough that we could juggle fairly easily. Our oldest boy had started Kindergarten and took the bus to school and came home on the bus. It had all fallen into place. I even have two paintings after the old man below finished. Then it hit...
Our second child , our daughter, began to relate instances with a neighbor, an older man who lived alone nearby. Our concerns were peaked, and we contacted the authorities...hoping against hope. Their report confirmed against our hopes, and life nearly came to a halt. Needless to say, our previous thoughts about moving (due to a house in poor condition) became an instant focus. Shocked as we were, we tried our best to stay with our schooling. Unfortunately I fell completely behind. Interviews were held with our daughter, son, and us. We searched for a new home. We wondered what had 'really' happened beyond the little bit our daughter told us...still in disbelief, and in a great deal of guilt. My stress deepened. My schooling was my livelihood for the time being...and I was falling fast behind. I had to pack, I had to find a new place, I had to... I had to...
We found a place in a nearby town. Actually just down the street from where I grew up, by my parents. I knew the neighborhood well, the neighbors, and my parents obviously. For me it was too perfect. We had received a call from a preschool before this accepting our daughter also. Meeting with the administrators, we explained the situation. We have been surrounded with help for our daughter. She loves preschool too. She goes to school just like her brother and momma and daddy.
There is no way to explain the exhaustion of my mind, nor the multiple directions I feel pulled in. This new home is so beautiful and bright, solid and clean...I have wanted to put all things in order, to invite the Lord's spirit in that it may abide with us and help us heal. And as I do this, I yet feel torn...anxious, burnt out, and completely overwhelmed. I want desperately to be a good father to my daughter...disciplined but kind, and to be a good husband to my wife as she needs my support a great deal as well.
With moving, getting kids to school, getting my wife to school (my school is all online), Selling things, buying things, organizing a mess, fretting over lost time for homework, getting kids from school, talking to family, meeting for counseling.....I am not sure what the Lord has in mind for me, but I have been able to abide the day. Just the last three days (nights actually) our youngest daughter was really sick and wouldn't sleep much at all at night, but cry, scream, and whimper...testing the last of my and my wife's emotional strength, and much of our physical strength too.
So much relies on my performance, on my attitude. I want so much to spend all my time playing with the kids, but also all with my wife to sort out all our struggles, still more to do all my homework without constant distraction...because it is my job and my livelihood. Without school I would have to take up two or more jobs...and lay down my brushes and pencils for a long, long time. Loans would come due with me out of school, payments would increase beyond any income I could find short of working so much I would never see my family. My wife would have to drop out of school or we would have to get child care for her to stay in...which would compromise my extra job to make ends meet.
I have often thought, my life is a delicate rumikub game (refer to someone who has played it) and if all the steps of my decisions don't meet in the end....I will have to retract far more than I can remember, far more than I am able. The result would be a catastrophe, only not with a board game, but with my home, my marriage, my kids, all our school.......
But who isn't struggling right now? Widespread financial strain, unemployment, and a plague of people too busy to sleep or help one another.
Well, I've said a lot. A great deal has happened of no small influence. As this is an art blog, it saddens me that today I was not able to post art, but I instead painted a very different picture. I seek the way to make all things work out. May it be so. May it be so...with time, patience, hope, and faith.
2 comments:
Shaun, this totally totally sucks and I'm glad that you were able to get your family to a better, safer place. In the end that will matter more than any of your other worries.
And I'm glad that you are going to counseling too. I have gone myself and know others that are doing it to great benefit and emotional healing. You and your family are going to be in my prayers now. Just keep the faith and follow the Spirit.
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